I called up my old friend and gave him the news
Told him what the doctor told me
I said chances are I'll make it through this
It's not as bad as it could be

I thanked him for being there all through the years
Through all the dumb stuff and I fought back my tears
Yeah I choked up a little, but then I said this too shall pass
He said, look on the bright side Chuck, now you'll be less of...

An ass, less of an ass
We've been hoping for years
You'd somehow acquire some class
When the doctor gets through with you
Then you'll be less of an ass

I have lashed out in anger, hurt those I love
Spoken in vain at the Lord up above
I've swindled and stolen
I've coveted my neighbors wife....
Well you know the neighbor the one on the right
The one with the pool that's all lit up at night
Right about 9 o'clock is when she starts swimming her laps
I can watch all night long and still be less of

An ass, less of an ass
I could kick puppies
and sleep every Sunday through mass
Cause technically speaking, I am for sure less of an ass.

Some people meditate, some folks they medicate
Some people try therapy
Well you do what you do, maybe go see a guru
But all it took was surgery......for me

To be less of an ass, less of an ass
So open that bottle, hey let's all raise a glass
A toast to me, cause now I am less of an ass
I'm less of an ass